Life is a constant cycle of connecting and disconnecting. Whether it’s through collaboration to achieve mutual goals or necessary disconnections for safety and well-being, the way we manage these dynamics deeply affects our relationships, our communities, and ourselves. In this article, we will explore the various forms of violence that arise from disconnection, the importance of boundaries, and how we can rebuild these connections to restore harmony in our lives.
Connecting for Mutual Benefit
Life is about connecting and disconnecting. When we connect, we work together to achieve things we could not achieve alone. Rural communities have the tradition of barn raising. It would be impossible for one person to build a whole barn by themselves, but if the community comes together and builds a barn one at a time, everyone can have a barn, and everyone is better off. It only happens because people connect and coordinate their actions.
Connecting and cooperating is easy when everyone wants the same outcome. However, when different people have different priorities and needs, cooperating becomes harder, but often, compromise will help everyone connect for mutual benefit.
Compromise and Impasse: Finding Common Ground
If I have a car to sell, I might want to sell it for $10,000. Someone comes wanting to pay $8,000, but we may well be able to negotiate a deal for $9,000. I lose out on the $1,000 I was hoping for, and the buyer had to spend $1,000 more than they wanted, but a trade can be agreed upon.
In an impasse, the difference between participants’ wants is too great. If I wanted $12,000 for my car and the buyer offered only $6,000, then the sale might not be able to proceed.
When Disconnecting is the Right Choice
Sometimes, living systems disconnect. There are times when disconnecting is right. A child grows until the time comes when they should leave and make a life of their own. Endings are a natural part of life, and although they may be painful and distressing, it is ultimately for the best to disconnect.
At other times, we need to disconnect for our own safety. If somebody acts towards us in harmful ways, we should protect ourselves and disconnect to avoid harm. Sometimes, people do not intend to harm us or act unconsciously in harmful ways.
Understanding Violence: From Physical to Emotional Harm
At other times, the disconnection is intentional. That person then invades a boundary I need in place to stay safe and ensure my well-being. Remaining connected becomes dangerous. Sometimes, disconnecting occurs as violence.
In most people’s minds, violence occurs as physical violence: a punch, a kick, a stab, or even shooting when they invade a physical boundary. If we see violence as actions that cause harm to ourselves or others, there are many other ways people can be violent. Violence can be emotional, mental, financial, cultural or spiritual.
Passive-aggressive violence can also be very harmful. It is a sneaky form of aggression that often appears when someone feels angry and upset but does not wish to risk obvious violence. Passive-aggressive violence frequently “leaks out”. Violence may arise by denying something they need, like food or water.
Structural Violence: The Hidden Harm in Systems
We can be abusive or violent to ourselves, just as we can be violent to others. There is violence in relationships when boundaries are trampled.
John Galtung writes about structural violence, which has been built into our social structures. Sometimes, the very organisations designed to help and support us end up harming people. Big social systems have rules and regulations to cover everyone in the system. Still, their circumstances may often mean that those rules get in the way of the individual’s best interests.
Often, in big systems, people who benefit from the system do not want things to change to be more equitable for other people. They become more concerned with maintaining the system and their place in it than doing what the system is for.
Reconnecting: The Path to Healing and Harmony
We have become disconnected in our lives today. We are disconnected from ourselves, others and the world in which we live. There is so much violence in our history, but there is always the opportunity to reconnect and heal.
Maybe we cannot bring back what has been lost, but we can find a place to move forward. There are many ways to reach out. We can reconnect physically so we can grow stronger and fitter. Counselling and support groups offer a strong way to reconnect with other people, and we can reconnect with our culture and the social organisations around us. Every act of reconnecting opens the space for more reconnecting.
Final Thoughts: Recognizing and Addressing Violence for Healthier Relationships
Life is about connecting and disconnecting. We naturally cooperate when we share common goals, but when interests diverge, finding a compromise is key to reconnecting.
At times, disconnecting is necessary for safety or personal growth, but disconnections can also arise from violence. Physical violence is the most obvious form, but emotional, mental, and structural violence can be just as harmful. Recognising and addressing violence in all its forms is crucial for maintaining healthy relationships and personal well-being.
Reconnecting—whether with ourselves, others, or our communities—is essential for healing and creating a more harmonious world. Through intentional reconnection, we open the door to more collaborative and supportive relationships that can break the cycles of harm.
Where in your life have you become disconnected, and what steps can you take to move forward and reconnect for healing?
